If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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