Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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