When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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