A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
