I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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