Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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