Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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