God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
there is glitter all over my balls
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
