Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
