I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
