I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
MIDGETS
????
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
