does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
