She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
