I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
