you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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