I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
