You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
