not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
