if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
