I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
