Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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