I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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