blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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