3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
