my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
