I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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