peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
