You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
