Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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