fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
