I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
