I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you didnt know i had herpes?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
