I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
