I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
