you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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