The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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