I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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