Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
