one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
