did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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