Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
