Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
