This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
