drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
