I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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