Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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