I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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