I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
