I need to stop coming to work sober
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
