he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
