Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
